why do we get jealous in relationships
1. Recognize when you are being a jealous weirdo. A lot of the time when you feel jealous, you'll start little arguments or say passive-aggressive things rather than talking about what's actually bothering you. (For me, it's responding to everything he says with, "Yeah, you
would do that. " I don't know why. ) If you can acknowledge, "Oh, I'm really jealous right now because you were talking to a girl at the bar last night and it made me feel weird," that's an important first step. 2. Try to look at your relationship from the perspective of one of your friends. If you were your friend and you heard about your situation, how would you react to it? Would you be freaked out by it, or would you think it sounded totally normal and probably fine? Putting some distance between you and your relationship always helps you to see it more clearly and will potentially stop you from having a panic attack inside an H M for no reason. 3. Focus on how great your relationship actually is. So you saw what looked like your boyfriend flirting with one of his female friends. OK. But keep in mind, you guys have an entire history between you two and a pretty unmatched closeness. Everyone flirts, sometimes without even really being conscious of it. It doesn't always mean they want to act on it. I think I flirted with the guy at my deli the other day and I could not tell you why. I think I was just tired and out of it. I really need to get more sleep, you guys. 4. Just because you're jealous doesn't mean anything is actually going to happen. I can't even count how many times I've been so afraid of something that might happen that it already seemed like it had happened and I was already mourning the loss. And most of those times, that thing I was so scared of never even came close to happening. So just because you have a hunch your boyfriend might be into someone else, that doesn't mean they're already sleeping together and he's already bought her a ring and will be proposing this weekend and dumping you immediately after inside a Taco Bell. If you have no proof of this, don't sweat it until you do. And if you're really worried about it, talk to him about it directly. He'll either put you at ease or be kind of weird about it, but either way, you can stop wondering and move on. 5.
Figure out if there's any underlying reason why you're jealous. Sometimes, when we're having feeling of jealousy toward our partner, it's actually just because we're pissed at them for something else entirely. Maybe they forgot your birthday or they haven't been that supportive of you lately, and instead of just talking to them about it, it's easier to suddenly become suspicious of everything they're doing. Granted, that might not be totally conscious, but it happens. 6. Accept that you're jealous and don't immediately react to it. Just because you have a feeling doesn't mean you have to act on it. If you're feeling angry, it doesn't mean you need to throw stuff or yell at the nearest person in your coffee shop. You can just realize, "Oh, I'm feeling angry right now," and see if it passes. Same goes for jealousy. 7. Let go of any old relationship garbage that has nothing to do with your guy. Maybe you're worried about him cheating because your ex-boyfriend cheated on you or your dad cheated on your mom, but that situation isn't the same one you're in now (hopefully). Your current partner has no ties to anything that came before, so putting them in the same league as people who hurt you or the people you loved in the past isn't fair to either of you. There's a reason why your old relationships didn't last and this one did. 8. Believe with all your cute little heart that you deserve to have someone love you. A lot of the time when we're jealous, it's because some part of us believes that we're unlovable and that our partner could do better, so obviously they would and will. But it just isn't true. You, right now, with all your flaws and shortcomings and struggles, are super, crazy lovable and worthy of having a committed partner, which is why you currently have one! Don't let some pointless belief that you're not as good as the hot girl he talked to at lunch mess with your head. 'Cause honestly, she might be gay anyway. You never know. Follow Lane on and. Jealousy is a tangle of thoughts and emotions triggered by perceived threats to a relationship, and it gets a bad rap because of the way some people act when it hits them, says marriage and family therapist Diane R. Gehart, PhD. It's destructive if acted on aggressively, but it can be a useful signal if it's approached as a force for good.
Read on for the potential benefits of the green-eyed monster. 1. Welcome reminder. The urgent sting of jealousy can prompt you to show how important your partner is to you. "Jealousy can highlight what you valueвyour relationship," says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, psychologist and author of the upcoming book Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love. Sometimes we need a nudge to remember what's most important, so use that feeling as a cue to clearly express your appreciation for your partner. 2. Communication booster. Jealousy can help strengthen your connection when you talk about it. "The key is healthy communication instead of bottling up your jealousy and letting it boil out in unhelpful, passive aggressive waysвlike 'Sorry I don't have a body like that girl flirting with you all night at the party,'" says Dr. Lombardo. Instead, she suggests being assertive and saying something like, "I have to tell you, I got a little jealous watching that beautiful woman flirting with you tonight. You look so handsome. " See also: 3. Aphrodisiac. Getting riled up at the thought of someone snagging your sweetie can be a clear sign the physical attraction is still intactвor well within reach. "It can help us to see with fresh eyes and rediscover the positive attributes that attracted us in the first place," says marriage and sex therapist Hilary Phillips, founder of, a website for couples. "A partner we have lost interest in can suddenly become much more appealing when another woman is flirting with him, which can lead to a beneficial renewed spark. " Don't hesitate to act on those feelings. 4. Goal fuel. Jealousy can alert you that you're unhappy with some aspect of yourselfвand it can be just the motivation you need to take positive steps toward changing it. "A client was jealous because of her husband's beautiful and fit co-worker. Unhappy with the way her own body looked, we worked together to get her to lose those extra pounds and help her have the body she wanted," says Dr.
Lombardo. "The result? Both my client and her husband appreciated it. " 5. Motivation to be a better half. Weall get busy or lazy at times,and we might find ourselves slacking off on our side of the relationship. "Jealousy can serve as a reminder to be the best partner you can be, so use it to show just how much yours means to you," says Dr. Lombardo. You might surprise him with a meal you know he loves or tickets to see his favorite band. Making a renewed effort can "improve your relationship and motivate him to be an even better partner. " See also: 6. Insecurity radar. Feeling jealous could point to deeper hang-ups, so listen to the warning signs and get to the bottom of the real issue. You might reflect on your " experience of jealousy and realize that it comes from a sense of not being worthy that stems back from childhood," says Dr. Gehart. "Or, you may find that the jealousy is arising from a fundamental mismatch in the relationship, with one person being far more invested than the other. " If so, start thinking about how you might address those issues, whether it means therapy or a heart-to-heart with your spouse, or both. 7. Attention tune-up. Thanks to the autopilot pace that is now the default setting for so many, it's all too easy for our strained attention to drift away from our most important relationship. No worriesвjust take note and take action. "One client who was jealous realized she showed more excitement towards her children than she did towards her partner," says Dr. Lombardo. "To change that, she consciously gave her partner a big hug and kiss every time she left or returned home. " 8. The gift of mutual reassurance. Think about it this way: when you're feeling jealous, it becomes quite clear about how satisfying reassurance can be. In other words, you want your man to say, "There's nothing to be jealous about. You're everything to me. " What you probably didn't assume is that he feels assured too when you're honest about your feelings. "For him, there's the reassurance that you care enough to feel jealous and value the relationship enough to step up your game," says Philips. Everyone likes to feel appreciated and valued!
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