why does my boyfriend have no libido

The dilemma I am in my early twenties and my boyfriend of two and a half years is eight years older. We have a great relationship, he makes me laugh constantly and were pretty much on the same page about everything in life. The only thing Im struggling with is his lower sex drive. Weve spoken about it loads and hes promised its just how he is and its not me, but my self-esteem has taken a massive knock and Im finding it hard to believe the things he says are true. I know Im not as attractive as his last girlfriend so I cant help feeling maybe hes just not as attracted to me. Its so hard when the internet is full of stories of men having higher libidos, but never women. Is there anything I can do to help myself just get used to it? Mariella replies Put up and shut up, thats the spirit! Why am I not surprised that this letter is from a woman? A century of crawling at snails pace towards true emancipation and yet we still havent managed to crack the hardest nut of all, our own self-esteem. Whether its choosing boys who dont want us or not demanding equal pay for equal work, were still failing to properly value who we are. Whats worse is were fast getting to the point where we have no one to blame but ourselves. Two 13-year-olds were chatting near me the other day and I overheard one tell her friend that she didnt like boys who liked her. That comment aside they were wonderful embodiments of youthful zest and beauty, chatting 19 to the dozen as they meandered their way through a multitude of topics, expressing confident opinions about most other aspects of their lives. Yet when it came to self-image, seeing themselves as anything other than inferior was a hurdle too high to jump. If the physical side of your relationship cant be sorted out now, its unlikely that it ever will be
Now here you are writing to me and asking how to learn to live with your boyfriends less than satisfying sex drive.


Its tempting to say, Why should you? and naturally theres a part of me that thinks exactly that. Yet Im all too familiar with that internal voice you have got in your ear, telling you that youre less attractive than his ex and suggesting that if only you were better, he would want you more. Im not buying it and neither should you. You need to stop blaming yourself and understand that while this issue with the physical side of your relationship is neither your problem nor your responsibility, perhaps it is something you and he can improve on if you work together. An imbalance of desire in a relationship can be a confidence-crippling thing for both parties and one of the toughest iniquities to resolve. Its a topic thats hard to discuss and even harder to live with, and theres certainly a point at which words lose their positive power and start contributing to the problem. As a youngster you might presume hes old enough at 30 to have been struck by the sort of failure of desire that occurs among the more mature. I can assure you that you are both still at your sexual peak and if the physical side of your relationship cant be sorted out to your mutual satisfaction now, its unlikely it ever will be. Compatibility isnt simply measured by the topics you agree on and the number of times you enjoy a laugh, though both are important. Its also about finding a partner who works for you sexually and making that one of your priorities is nothing to be ashamed of. Im hoping its not your boyfriend who makes you feel less appealing than his ex, although as a woman I suspect that its far more likely to be a self-inflicted sense of inferiority. Happily in these emancipated days, it really is up to you. Are you prepared to compromise on the physical side of the relationship?


Is he prepared to try to resolve his low libido? If so, there are plenty of specialists who can help a willing patient. Try the. Or are you resigned to feeling sub-standard to his ex and assuming responsibility for his lack of passion for as long as this relationship lasts? My advice may seem simplistic, but centuries of spectacular failure on the part of us women suggest its hard to put into practice. You are a gorgeous, clever, witty, intelligent capable young woman with your whole life stretching ahead. There will be compromises and heartbreak along the way, but if you set your own standards, assume responsibility for your ambitions and desires and focus on realising them, youll have every opportunity to lead a full and rewarding life. Only you can identify whats non-negotiable for your personal happiness, but once you have, dont compromise or take the burden of blame when others fail to live up to your standards. Hes a lucky guy to have you and he may just need to sharpen up his act if hes going to keep you. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to. Follow her on Twitter Men don't like to talk about it; neither do their partners. But loss of in men or inhibited sexual desire stresses a more than any other sexual dysfunction, according to Barry McCarthy, co-author of Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low- and No-Sex Marriages. Losing interest in sex may not be as common an occurrence for men as it is for women: It affects about 15% to 16% of men, and at least double that many women. "But when men lose interest in sex it scares them more than women -- their masculinity is so linked to their sexuality that it is very threatening," says Esther Perel, a couples therapist in New York city and author of Mating in Captivity. Loss of libido also makes men more unhappy about the rest of their lives than it does women. Only 23% of men with loss of libido say they still feel very happy about life in general vs. 46% of women, says Edward Laumann, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago co-author of The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. "It bothers men more. " But loss of libido is not something you have to live with.


There is much you can do to regain your and your happy outlook on life. How Do You Know if You have a Problem With Loss of Libido? Libido loss doesn't usually happen suddenly - it's not like catching a cold where you wake up one morning and whoops, there it is. It can be a gradual process. Though difficult to define precisely, Laumann measures it as follows: "It is a lack of interest in sex for several months of the past year. " Frequency of sexual activity is not the best measure of sexual interest - so many circumstances can get in the way of an encounter, even if the desire is there. But if you are in a committed relationship and having sex less often than the norm -- about once a week - you might ask yourself whether you are happy with things as they are. If you're not happy about your loss of libido, researchers agree that it is best to grapple with these issues before they become entrenched. To help identify the early warning signs, see whether you answer the following questions true or false: Touching takes place only in the bedroom. Sex does not give you feelings of connection and sharing. One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressured. You no longer look forward to sex. Sex is mechanical and routine. You almost never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse. You have sex once or twice a month at most. "If you answered true to many or most of these questions, you may be on your way to losing sexual desire," writes McCarthy. Understanding the various causes is the first step to finding the appropriate resolution.

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