why do we need to be loved
When I wrote an article recently touching on the, I knew from my own experience how pervasive a leadership issue it was, but I was unprepared for the response. Since then, many
have contacted me to say how much it resonated for them, and that needing to be loved --let alone liked -- was something they struggled with constantly. Obviously, wanting to be a decent human being is an admirable, commendable trait. But when that desire transforms into neediness, it clouds anyone's ability to make objective decisions, particularly when other people are involved (which is to say, almost all the time). So for the benefit of all of us (this is as much a process of self-reflection as anything else), here are the five key steps involved in redirecting an unhealthy need to be loved by those you work with back to what it should be-- a healthy desire to be have mature, non-needy relationships with the people you work with: 1. Be much loved elsewhere. I'm no therapist, and I certainly can't tell you how to make this happen, but I can pass on one universal observation: Those who experience rich, fulfilling, unconditional love in their non-work environments consistently exhibit much less neediness in their work environments. Like I say, I'm not qualified to help you fix this particular issue, but if you find you're consistently undermining your own leadership effectiveness with an unhealthy need to be liked or loved by those you work with, a self-assessment of your non-work relationships might be a great place to start. 2. Where possible, avoid one-on-ones. Most often, an unhealthy need to be liked shows up in communications during one-on-one discussions. An over-generous response to a screwup; glossing over underperformance; exaggerating your own achievements to look better to the other person.
These all happen more easily in one-on-one situations than in a group environment. Make a resolution to ensure, as much as possible, that you communicate with others in team environments. In those situations where a one-on-one is unavoidable, consider asking one other trusted individual to sit in on the meeting to act as an 'accountability' partner and hold you responsible for communicating accurately. 3. Think through interactions in advance. Most leaders I know who struggle with needing to be liked or loved by others cause problems for themselves when they extemporize. Freewheeling, on-the-fly communications lend themselves to the sorts of self-serving or emotionally manipulative statements that need-to-be-loved leaders let slip. If you're one of those leaders, then script yourself ruthlessly. Think through every material interaction you're due to have today, and write out - yes, physically write out - precisely what you want to communicate, and, more importantly, what your response will be to the most likely information you'll be given by others. Hold yourself accountable to communicate precisely and only what you've written down. Stay away - for a while at least - from spitballing and extemporizing. 4. Close the feedback window. Some leaders get their need-to-be-liked endorphins released by constantly asking others for feedback. Under the guise of ' I want to know the unvarnished truth - how am I doing? ', what they're really saying is 'tell me how much you like me. ' You'll know if you're guilty of this - you'll be blushing just a little as you read this. 5. Do one hard thing. Identify one hard thing you know you need to do - a performance discussion, a role adjustment or perhaps just giving someone hard feedback.
Write your script (see point 3), and go do it. Don't adorn the discussion, don't try to make it easier on the other person at the end, don't make clear your personal feelings about the matter (all that can return after you're weaned from the need to be liked). Just do it. Rinse and repeat. Discover how to redirect destructive behaviors and enhance your working relationships. Download a, "The Synergist: How to Lead Your Team to Predictable Success" which provides a comprehensive model for developing yourself or others as an exceptional, world class leader. It s important to show others the love that we want for ourselves. If you value someone you need to do everything possible to show them that and to make them happy. I m sure that at this point in your life, you know pretty well that feeling б for someone isn t the same as showing them that love. Some people simply don t know how to show love; even though they feel affection and love, they are incapable of showing love. Or even worse still, they show it wrongly. Feeling like your feelings are not reciprocated in everyday life, even though the feelings are there, creates a deep sense of emptiness and discomfort. And whether you believe it or not, there are a lot of that end up distancing themselves not because of a lack of love, but because one s patience ran out. б Has this ever happened to you? Today we re б going to take a look at this. People that love you, should show you They don t need to give you a castle or elaborate acts of heroism, or even be obligated to tell you every minute of every day just how much they love you. б The interesting thing about these types of situations is that people can love you, without it. б And quite the opposite, they can also express just how much they love you, without truly loving you.
The key is sincerity, and most of all, that you perceive them as wholesome and authentic. Receiving and expressing love makes up part of our emotional health, which also carries its own implications in physical health. You cannot force anyone to show you just how much they love you. People need to be spontaneous and allow the small things to pop up. The magic lies in the unplanned things that simply happen. Feeling authentic reciprocity not only nourishes, but it bring peace as well. Love, affection and caring can all be showed in several different ways. All of these ways need to be meaningfulб to you, and useful. Some people make the mistake of thinking that the way they love is the only way to love, without understanding what the other person needs. Some people don t feel right, or caressing, or even saying loving words. They show love by coming over to sleep, giving gifts, or simply being present. But being present isn t enough. Sometimes the worst type of loneliness is that felt with someone right next to you, who, even though they love you, are incapable of showing it. We all have needs for love, understanding, intimacy and passion, which are the basis of a healthy, stable and happy relationship. If understanding does not exist, or daily expressions of affection, the relationship will grow cold. People that want something generally create a series of strategies for reaching their objective. б So what happens the moment these objectives once dreamed of are achieved? б That is the true question. Once you reach a valuable moment, it must be cared for. б Not everyone knows how to care for these things, or tend to them, or create connections, or to create space for personal growth or growth within the relationship.
Clearly no one knows everything about human relations, but when it comes to love you need to know what needs are there in order to offer the other what he/she needs. If you want them to value you, you need to start valuing others. If you want to be recognized by people you love, you need to first recognize. If you want to be loved, show your true love for the people around you. It all becomes complex when we realize that a lot of people don t even truly know who they are. Immature individuals who haven tб undergone the appropriate emotional maturation, or those whoб haven t clearly defined their values or needs, tend to project their own unrecognized faults on others. And this is where the problems set in. So let s take a look at just how the people who love you should show you that love, and what couples deserve in order to maintain a stable and happy commitment. Your partner should be the person that is not only your accomplice, friend and lover, but they should also admire and respect you. And they should also show this to you. We admire our partner because they are capable of enriching our lives, and that s why we have chosen them. People that love you should show you every day in the simplest of ways. б They don t need things and they should do this freely. And you should also focus on the small things that make up life, which are truly important. Not only do you need to be present, but you also need to show that you are there by caresses, the right words, sincere looks of acceptance and embrace. It s not that hard. б You don t lose anything by showing affection. Quite the contrary. All the love that you show makes you bigger, fuller, more connected with yourself and the world around you. Practicing it is worth it.
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