why do my parents fight so much
I am going to take this one by one-
Why do my parents fight? There might be umpteen number of reasons right from different interest, to the fact that they are angry with themselves, to unfulfilled wishes. THe reasons could be anything. Even may be difference in opinions on whats best for you. Blaming fault on you- Parents unfortunately despite wanting to have all figured out do not have that most of the time. So when they start running out of options to say to the kids, they resolve to the age old tactics of you should have managed it differently. Your take- Take the learning leave the negativity. Well honestly this is a parent speaking. As a child or a youth dont please don't take it personally. Think of it as something that your parent are also probably doing for the first time irrespective of the fact whether or not you have an older sibling. They are learning as well. So give yourself an opportunity to learn with them.
YOU COME HOME for the weekend, looking forward to spending some family time with yourPparents who, at this stage in your life, don t seem as dorky as they used to. Individually theyPseem happy to see you but somehow you can never seem to get together with them both. Something seems to be awry. Your parents seem to be constantly sniping at each other. PThey are acting as if everything is normal but you have a sinking feeling in your heart that allPis not well in Camelot.
Then, over a cup of tea, you hear the dreaded words; we are notPgetting along very well lately, we are going to separate. What? My parents! This can t be. PWhat can I do? How can I fix this? The short answer is that you can t. When a relationship breaks down, regardless of the reasons, loss, pain and hurt arePinevitable. Your parents are hurting and may be hurting each other. They may be arguingPovertly or behaving towards each other in seething contemptuous way. There are manyPlosses; loss of the couple, loss of the family unit as is, loss of what was and loss of what wasPhoped to be. It is a difficult time for all concerned. Children are the causalitiesP Children are almost always a casualty ofPseparation and divorce with the different age groups impacted in various ways. Teens havePbeen identified as being especially vulnerable to the potential negative impact of separationPand divorce. But what of adult children? What are the possible challenges for them? In your twenties and thirties you will have probably detached from your parents bothPpsychologically and physically. You are no longer a dependent child or a confusedPadolescent. You are an independent autonomous well functioning adult. So why might thePthoughts of your parents separating render you feeling like a helpless vulnerable child? QuitePoften there is a sense that parents can be taken for granted, they are in the backgroundPsomewhere but they will always be there to turn to when needed.
They are the rock that wePcan always depend upon. They are our safe harbour when the seas of life get rough. TheyPare our secure base. It can come as a tremendous shock to be faced with the loss of thatPsecurity. It can shake us to the very core and make us question our trust in life. ThesePthought processes are something I see a lot during separation support counselling sessions. Depending on children, emotionally It is often assumed that adult children can take it on the chin. One or both parents can turn toPtheir child for emotional support and confide in them about intimate details of theirPrelationship. Regardless of the age of their children, many parents can begin to depend onPthem emotionally turning the relationship into one of confidant Pinstead of parent-child. ThisPcan be a Pvery confusing and unwanted dynamic in the relationship. Loyalties can bePexpected leaving the adult child feeling torn and disloyal. It can be very difficult to standbyPand witness a parent who may be feeling vulnerable and lonely. There are many lossesPexperienced by all including extended family and friends. Family occasions can becomePfraught with tension and the unspoken, the unacknowledged; let s all carry on like nothing sPchanged! Theres discomfort with separation and divorce.
There are no rules, no setPformulas and families try to make them up as they go along. The whole process can be sad and painful. But if a relationship is at its end the couplePinvolved need to strive to end it on the best possible terms, especially when there arePchildren involved. Painful as the separation process is, research shows that when thePparents work together to separate with respect and care, the negative impact on theirPchildren is minimised. It is no different for adult children. Adult children may be able toPunderstand the situation a bit better than if they were younger but, that does not mean theyPcan or need to try and fix things. There is a lot of help and support that their parents canPaccess. All children are entitled to a relationship with both of their parents who, despite thePbreakdown of their relationship, will always be their parents. The family remains, it is merelyPchanging shape. Bernadette Ryan is a Counsellor and Psychotherapist with Relationships Ireland. ForPmore information on our counselling including our Separation Support services or toPbook a consultation you can contact 01 678 5256, email info@relationshipsireland. comPor visit www. relationshipsireland. com. Relationships Ireland also offers counselling forPteenagers who are affected by separation through our Teen-Between service. ForPmore information please visit www. teenbetween. ie.
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