why do people get divorced so easily
As an expert in the area, I am often asked why I believe the divorce rate is so high. I am often told why others feel the divorce rate is so high. I have an opinion and so does everyone else. Here is mine. б
It surprises me that the opinions of some are rather simplistic when explaining the high divorce rate in our country. Some point a finger at the feminist movement, others blame an inability to make a commitment. Based on my own experience as a Divorce Coach and Marriage Educator it goes deeper than feminism or a lack of commitment by spouses to the marriage. 1. б Independence Is Crippling Marriages: People end up in divorce court because they wait too long to find solutions to the problems in their marriage. We are a nation of highly independent people and in my opinion that independence we covet stands in the way of us being able to humble ourselves and ask for help from each otherБand the experts. Most likely we canБt solve our problems alone, especially something as complex as a. We are of the mindset that if we work harder at the marriage, we can deal with the issues. What we donБt stop to consider is that if you donБt have the skills needed to work through the problems it doesnБt matter how hard you work. A little humility and a willingness to admit that we need help would keep quite a few couples from becoming victims of. 2. б Couples Don t Know howб to Fight Fair: Couples have this romantic notion that if they are in love they shouldn t be fighting. Once the fighting begins, they are so flabbergasted by the idea that someone who loves them would criticize them that all hell breaks loose. Instead, we need to realize that for a relationship. Otherwise, we start harboring resentment and start withdrawing from our spouse. There is an inability in America to fight, make-up, forgive, and get on with the marriage. 3.
My Way or The Highway Mentality: In a marriage, a personБs role willб change. At times, they will be in control of major issues, at other times their spouse will be in control of major issues. I see an unwillingness to give over control to each other. It is called mutual submission and in my experience, I see very few people willing to yield control to their spouse. The Бmy way or the highwayБ mentality is destroying good marriages and leaving people with nothing but their need to be control freaks. 4. Declining Morals and Skewed Beliefs: People are too quick to seek comfort somewhere else if things arenБt working out in their marriage. Declining morals and the skewed belief that is justifiable if your needs arenБt being met is devastating to a marriage. Very few marriages recover from infidelity. Looking outside the marriage to solve problems only adds more problems to the marriage. 5. Marriages Are Viewed as Disposable In Today s Society: We live in a disposable society. Marriages are thrown away in the same fashion one would toss an old pair of shoes. We are looking for a quick fix, something that can satisfy our needs and if those needs arenБt satisfied some feel it is easier to toss the spouse and move on to the next relationship. If the marriage becomes hard and requires a little attention and work, it is easier for some to discard the marriage than to hunker down, roll their sleeves up, and do the work necessary to save the marriage. 6. б Our Marital Expectations Are Childish: Our expectations of what marriage is supposed to be are childish. We think if we will meet someone, fall in love, marry and that person will take care of all our needs.
We believe our spouse will there every step of the way and solve any problems that arise or distill any loneliness we may feel. We marry expecting someone else to make us happy, instead of creating our own happiness. In my work, I ve seen that too many people marry without realizing that their happiness is their own responsibility. If you are in a situation where there is domestic violence or serial adultery, you have reason to seek a divorce. Most of the people I coach and communicate with who are going through a divorce are not in those situations. Most had no idea how much work it takes to make a marriage work. My best advice is to not wait until it s too late and resentment sets in orб adultery takes place. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary on Monday, and announced their divorce on Tuesday. The news of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck's split has devastated many, but what's even sadder is that the split isn't really all that surprising. While little data exists to conclusively determine the exact percentage of people in the spotlight who get divorced each year, anecdotal evidence indicates the number is much higher than the average American couple. Indeed the term "Hollywood Marriage" implied a short-lived marriage often lasting no longer than five years. What's so intriguing, however, is not how many people in the limelight wind up divorcing, but rather what factors contribute to the split. For this insight Business Insider spoke with co-president and life coach, who believes that, while many couples in the spotlight are faced with more temptation, opportunity, and a hectic, jet-setting lifestyle than most, many of the issues these couples face aren't all that different from the challenges regular American couples must overcome together they're just amplified.
Keeping up appearances creates tension. "In every marriage there is a phenomena of 'two-facedness,'" Gerber explains. And when our internal voices and what we express out loud are at odds with each other, the discrepancy begins to erode the relationship. "There becomes this desire to look good, get approval, look like you're doing it right, and this creates a tension in yourself and in the relationship," Gerber says. "This leads to the breakdown of the relationship because there is no way to improve the relationship when nobody's telling the truth about what's not working. " When you're in the spotlight, she says, that need to look good is amplified "times a thousand" because everyone's watching you. It's that much harder to be present in the truth because you're so busy keeping up appearances. To prevent unspoken issues from eroding a relationship, Gerber says couples need to confront their issues head on, however uncomfortable that may seem, and then maintain this level of honesty by checking in frequently. "As long as you're ignoring the truth, you can't fix it. But once you deal with the truth, most people find that thing that's 'the truth' the thing they're upset about is actually not as big a deal as they think. " Other things come before the marriage. "For any couple, but for sure with couples in the spotlight or who have high-powered jobs and are ushering big visions into the world, if there isn't an equally big vision for the marriage, that's a really big problem," Gerber says. The amount of vision and drive it takes to attain or retain success in one's career often requires that that vision be senior to other visions, she explains. But in marriage, the relationship has to be most important. "What oftentimes happens with a high-powered couples is the career is senior or the kids become senior, and the kids actually substitute that emotional connection," Gerber says.
When the kids replace the emotional connection between partners, she says they have sold out on making sure their relationship stays healthy. She says this is why most people get divorced. To avoid this, it's important to align your visions for the relationship, as well as for your career, kids, family, location, and habits. People stop doing the little things. "The things you do in the beginning of a relationship you go out on dates, you spend time together, you plan special occasions, you plan special gifts, you really listen when they talk, you remember things, you care about their parents, you try to impress their friends all those things you did when you were courting you actually have to keep doing," Gerber says. Successful people in particular have a hard time doing this because there are so many more things competing for their attention. All of it takes time, which is a scarce commodity. "If you're famous and you're trying to keep a marriage together you have to be doing that on purpose, not if you get lucky or you try hard it will turn out," she says. One thing couples can be more deliberate about is the time they spend together. Dedicated alone time, Gerber says, shouldn't be spent in front of screens. Divorce isn't as scary when you're successful. "I think successful people are more likely to think that they'll be OK if they divorce," Gerber says. People who need each other for financial support may be less likely to split, she explains, whereas successful people have more ability to support themselves financially during and after divorce.
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